Letting go

Over six years passing and the beginning of a new year somehow brings me back to this place. In 2017, I have a lot of letting go to do. I am resolving to let go of weight, of clutter, of grudges, of unnecessary worry and of toxic people in my life. I need a place to work through the release of these things. I hope this is it. Happy New Year!

uh oh!

I hardly recognize myself. Long ago, in a far away place...I held it all together. My house was always in order. I was on top of things. I just finally got to putting a load of my daughter's laundry in the wash. The load contained her picture day outfit. Picture day was 2 weeks and 1 day ago. I'm headed for rock bottom.

evaluation...

Wow! It's been over a year since I've been here. It's hard to believe that time has flown by that quickly. Life is crazier than it has ever been...but still I choose to hang my hat here for a few minutes. Maybe because today is my birthday, and sometimes birthdays are for evaluating life and what better place to do that evaluation than my own little spot on the world-wide web.

The name of this blog could not be more true than today. With my schedule, cleaning has fallen by the waste-side (I would have never thought that would happen to me!) When friends come by, I always heed a warning "my house is a wreck", and they always say "you always say that" and I reply "because I've given up cleaning."

Sitting here, deciding what to write, scanning over life's events, I am coming to the realization that I REALLY DO have a lot going on. For starters...my youngest started Kindergarden this year, which has been monumental. No more babies! She goes full day which allows me to get some more classes under my belt as well. She's loving the new challenge, but the change definitely takes it's toll about 5 o'clock everyday (when I'm trying to get dinner started). She got a fabulous teacher, who I adore, so I also volunteered to be head room mom for her classroom (which will soon enough possibly tip over my already full plate!)

Right now, life is over-run with soccer. Both girls are playing (my oldest playing on two teams) so with 3 practices and 3 games a week, every gap is filled!

I am taking three education courses that keep me on campus all day three days a week. The classes are a lot of work, but have re-emphasized for me that I am right where I am suppose to be.

On my off days, I am training with 2 friends for a 10K in October. We did a 5K in May and decided after the summer was over and the kids were back in school, we would step it up a notch. Yesterday we ran 4 miles, which is my longest run to date.(and because of it, I feel like I turned about 80 today rather than 37.) I can't imagine getting to six miles...but I keep hearing it too will come!

Right now we are also finishing our basement. So we spend a little time picking cabinets and carpets and couches...oh my! And all that banging :0

To add to the current craziness...a week from tomorrow, my husband and I are renewing our marriage vows in the Catholic Church. 12 years ago my hubby proposed to me in Myrtle Beach. When I found out we were vacationing there again this past summer, I decided to do something special. I had a chat with our monsignor, bought my guy a ring, took him for a walk on the beach and asked him to do it all over again in the Church this time. The 25th is our 11th wedding anniversary and we will be re-tying the knot in a small ceremony at our parish chapel.

In my FREE time (Ha!) I make lunches, fill out school forms, go to school meetings and do my homework.

So...as you can see...cleaning does not fit in there anywhere! However, I know if I got myself clean and organized, it would make everything else just a little bit easier. (YOU don't have to tell ME)

taking care of me...

In anticipation of going back to school, for the last month, I have let my exercise routine fly out the window. Because I was spending time away from my family for class and feeling a little more disconnected from my family when I was studying...I was feeling like I had to let go of different facets of my "me" time to make up for it.

This has been a mistake. I need to fit it back in. When I don't take the time to exercise, not only do I notice a little extra pudge where I don't want it, I also just don't feel good about myself. It effects the other ares of of my life.

So I started back this morning with a long brisk walk. As I walked I realized how much I was missing that activity to better myself physically...but also was reminded of how good those walks do me mentally. It is the one place I can think with out interruptions...no kids pulling, no people talking, no phones ringing, no chores calling. It is the ultimate me time... and I need it to function at my highest potential!

don't go!

Separation anxiety is a nasty thing. I've looked up the best ways to deal with it a million times. I have yet to find the perfect solution.

My six year old, especially in times of change, goes through some major separation sadness. It starts shortly before the separation will occur and gets worse when it is time to say goodbye. I try to talk her through it. I try to distract her from it. It is always heartbreaking to see the tears as she walks into school or as I have to walk out the door to be where I need to be.

The separation is necessary. She has to go to school and so do I -- but I feel so much guilt that she is hurting this way. When her tears start, I try to stay positive, make light of the situation, and I don't prolong goodbyes. But once I have left the situation, I fall apart as much as she has. I want to make her feel better -- but I want to toughen her up at the same time. I want to decrease the time that this sadness occurs -- but I also know that the more it happens, the more desensitized she will become. I feel bad that the time we spend together has decreased, but I also see that now the time we DO spend together is better quality.

I hate that her friends and teachers see her cry on such a regular basis -- I know it has to be embarrassing to my daughter. Who wants to be known as the crier? I am only comforted by the thought that her first grade friends will possibly not remember this bout of sadness weeks from now -- and hopefully my child will not either. I guess only time will tell.

2 sides to every story...

I started back to college this week as a graduate student for my teaching certification and masters in teaching. It has been quite a big adjustment and I have kind of been battling it in a pros and cons kind of manner...

Decreased time at home
con: feeling guilty about less time for housework and playtime
pro: being more productive with the time I DO have at home

I'm ONE of the eldest in the classroom
con: feeling a little "old" right now
pro: I have life experience that some of them don't

A lot of the students in my class are already teachers
con: they have "one up" on me in the classroom
pro: I can learn from their experience

Taking 3 classes is going to be a lot of work and a lot of reading
con: getting back into the swing of studying is tough
pro: I feel like I'm really doing something productive with my time (instead of TV watching and internet surfing)

Regardless of the cons, I am really excited about this new endeavor and I'll be enjoying the challenges and the journey!

next on the list...

I'm gearing up for my next challenge now...I'm going back to school in the Fall. And better yet, I'm going to the same college I went the first time...Fontbonne. The thought of roaming those halls again is really exciting to me!

With my kids on their way to both being in school full time in a little over a year, I have started thinking about going back to work. The problem is, it kills me to think about going back to do the same thing I did before. My field was Marketing/Public Relations, and with 6-1/2 years out of the business -- I feel lost. The technology involved moves at hyper-speed, It has passed me right by. And the thought of stressful deadlines and 9 to 5 hours (or longer) just doesn't work for me anymore. I was on a quest for something more fulfilling and more compatible with the schedule I would like to keep.

I finally came to conclusion that a career in teaching would be best for all concerned.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved the classroom. As a child I took any available opportunity to ‘play’ school with stuffed animals as classmates and pretend homework assignments. I did well throughout all of my years of schooling and was acknowledged for my success as a student. I always used to joke that I would go to school forever if I could. My only regret is that I hadn’t recognized during my college undergraduate work that a degree in teaching would have given me the chance to have everything that I wanted.

Throughout my high school and college years, whenever possible I took part-time jobs that allowed me interaction with children and placed me in a learning environment such as day care centers and latch key programs. Even back then I got a kick out of inspiring young minds.

But I think what really drew me into the teaching profession most is watching my Kindergartner learn to read. I remember when she began her grade school adventure; I wondered how I could aid in her reading comprehension. Quite frankly, I’ve had little to do with the process…but I’ve definitely been inspired by it. Watching her go from average letter recognition to the yearning to read everything she sees has been amazing. Because of her teacher, my daughter loves to crack open a book and she beams with pride as she sounds out words and puts them together. I would like to give that to someone.

I want to be a teacher. Not for the pay, not for the praise, but for the possibility to build a livelihood being where I love to be…the classroom. And for me, the journey to get there will be as enjoyable as the destination.

Throughout my life teachers have held some very significant roles for me. They have motivated me to try new things, encouraged me to stick with challenging activities and have now helped me to appreciate what I am being called to do. I have always had a passion for learning and now I would like to pass that on.

Wish me luck!